Dillard Beach Mystery – 79

Fall, Winter 1683

Rebekah studied her husband. She could see pain in the way he held himself. While his back was straight, his broad shoulders had lost some of their courage. He looked defeated and it broke her heart.

“I hardly know how to explain my behavior, Edward. You are correct in all that you say. I have treated you shamelessly. The worst of it is, I do not know why. I am a puzzle to myself and there is no excuse for it.”

She turned away and gazed out at the harbor.

Chapman took a step towards her, reaching out a hand to touch her arm. “Are you afraid of me, Bekah?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Afraid, of you?” She shook her head. “Why should I be afraid? You have never given me any reason.” She paused, considering her words. “I think it is myself of which I am most afeard, and I do not understand why and that is the truth of it.”

“Oh, Bekah… you have it all twisted. He took a step closer and gathered her up into his arms. She did not resist and he pulled her close. She could feel the rough broadcloth of his long jacket against her cheek and was comforted by it. He looked down at his wife and saw tears in her eyes. Surprised, he gently held her away from him and declared, “Why are you crying, wife? You are one of the most fearsome women I know.” 

“Fearsome you say?” She shook her head. “You are mistaken, sir. If I am anything, I am a coward.”

He looked down and brushed a tear from her cheek. “There are many words I might use to describe you, Bekah, but ‘coward’ is not one of them. Tell me of what you are afraid.”

She hesitated and shook her head.

“Tell me the truth, Bekah. I love you and there is nothing you can do to change my mind. God knows you have tried.” He looked down at her and smiled. “Tell me what it is that you fear.”

“I fear loving you. I know it makes little sense, but I fear losing myself in loving you—that who I am will change and I will never be as strong and independent as I am right now.”

“Is that how you felt when you married John?,”  he asked quietly.

“That was different. I was young and possessed of something beyond anything I could control. I had no notion of what marriage really meant and I just plunged into it like a fish to water. He was my earth and sky and I gave all I had to John.” She paused, letting the memories surface.”I was lost when he died. I felt empty. If not for Ezra or my work I do not know what would have become of me. I promised myself I would never lose myself like that again.”

“And you believe if you let yourself love me, you will be lost?”

“It is a strange notion Edward, but it is one I carry and no matter how I might try to dislodge it, I cannot. I know you to be a good man, and that you do love me and I trust you will allow me to live my life as I must. But I cannot abide the truth that, as your wife, I must allow you this ability to make choices for me. That I have no rights of my own.” She looked at him and could see he was not understanding what it was she was saying. “It is the word ‘allow’ that sets my teeth on edge, Edward. If I am not free to choose for myself, I fear I will suffocate.”

He stood back and studied his wife. “You believe this of me? You believe I want to control your life? And now that we are bound to each other in marriage you have no freedom?”

She nodded. “I know it is not what you intend. Though it is how I feel.“

“I see.” He turned away and walked across the cabin until he stood by the large table in the center. He studied the navigation charts he had been working on. “Nothing I have said or promised will dissuade you from this belief?”

“I think not.”

“It appears, wife, that you do not take me at my word and leave me with few options.” He began to shuffle the papers on the table. He paused and looked up at Rebekah. “If my word cannot be trusted, then I shall have to rely on my deeds to make my meaning prove true and lasting.” He studied her, reached into his vest pocket, and removed a small purse, heavy with coin.

“I am soon away, Rebekah. In truth, I leave tomorrow for New York and then for the West Indies. After the islands there is a chance I will travel on to several foreign ports including the West Coast of Africa.”

Surprised, Rebekah asked, “For how long will you be gone?”

“I do not know. It will depend on the opportunities I encounter. But you should not concern yourself with my affairs. I have left word with my man, George Curwen in Hyannis, to provide you with everything you and Ezra might need while I am away. My men at the warehouse will manage the port for me and any and all trades made here in Hyannis. 

“While I am away, you are free to do as you wish. Make your medicines, serve your women, come and go as you please. Live at your cottage in Dillard or move into my house —our house—in Hyannis. I anticipated you might feel as you do and made my wishes known to Jacinta. She should not give you any trouble. Your life is your own.” He handed her the small purse. “These coins should see you through for the next few weeks. I have instructed my banker in Boston to see you receive a regular allowance in future.”

He turned and began to walk away. “Your life is your own to live, Rebekah Howland Rand Chapman. I trust you will live it well.”

He did not give her time to respond but pushed open the cabin door and walked off the ship.